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Another day, another night, alone in my room, how sad that i haven’t changed. its been almost a year and except for my location, I am still that sad lonely scared boy that i have always been, they say i got confidence, they say i am a leader, and a good worker, but what does it matter if i don’t see it. i still cant tell her what i feel, i still cant tell them i hate them, i still hide the kindness thru a rude and angry persona, but honestly does it matter, where i am now, is not where i can honestly say I pictured myself. but really in order to understand me now, i guess what you have to do is learn my pass i was born on November Second Nineteen Eighty Seven, which makes me twenty as of right now. i was born at white memorial hospital in East Los Angeles and spent my life raise in South Central Los Angeles, I am as you can tell a Scorpio, which is the best way to describe myself. They say “still water runs deep” and that explain me as true as words could, i always give off a bad attitude that i don’t give a ***, but really I probably care so much about what people think it is scary. Everything that happens i watch in my paranoid state. the only thing that i notice is that no matter what the one thing i cant do is speak up. i always keep what i really want inside. For a long time my eyes where cold and empty, they are a little better now. but i can honesty say that i am depressed individual. I wanted to off myself for a long time, i guess i really didn’t notice this until the time my grandpa died. After that i just cried every night for I don’t know how long, but I cant honestly say that i still cry. even as i type this my eyes are watering and i probably wont be able to sleep tonight. I got work in 7 hours, but i rather stay up and write what ever this is. i might not even be sure if i will save it. i always wanted to have a collection of my though so i can always look back, but I don’t know why. I will just end up the same as everything else. Pointless. It will remind me of what I am not, and who I want to be. I am a sad a lonely young man who does not know why he is afraid of any kind of relationship. I can honestly say the only people in this world who make me smile with out trying are my paternal grandma, my mother, somewhat my dad, even though he is a horrible father, i can not help but love that man, he hit my mom, is a drunk, and is the reason why I probably feel that I know family. my two brother and my two sister, I love my youngest sister so much, and its probably because my mom always said she was going to be my kid, she probably knows i wont ever have kids, even though that is what I can honestly say I want the most, I don’t know why. i think at the point i will settle for any girl. though I really don’t know where I am going with this I guess it just me finding a way to vent. for a person who isn’t supposed to have a worry in the world, I concern myself with the stupidest thing, and I am so lost that I am just doing thing to do them, I have tried so many things for no reason, I think I stop short of fucking men. as of right now I am a member of the United States Marine Corp, what a first job. I just didn’t know what i wanted, I tried two years of school and I mange to drop more classes then i passed and failed combined. even though i have calmed down i don’t know where I will go with this, or if I even want to fill in more blanks in my pass honestly I don’t know I might just write this like my favorite book which just happens to be perks of being a wall flower. i can honestly say I relate to a few fictional characters one is Charlie and there is JD of scrubs. last but not least is Holden from catcher in the rye. I feel that my happy side is JD and my depressed side that i am truly am is more of a combination of Holden and charlie, though i really hope this wont last. i am currently live in Lemoore California on the naval base. and I cant tell you how often I just want to off my self, I think if I owned a gun i might of done it by now, but i really don’t know. i think allot of things and say I will. but I never do. and i write this i can only thing of maybe two people who i might show this too, because honestly i feel that i only have a few friends. I don’t know why I choose to be an outcast. I can be so much happier if i just put the effort but something inside of me wont let me do that. To finish my intro I will like to quote one of my favorite books "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
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